Not Exactly What He Had In Mind

            I kind of find the whole fashion statement of wearing rosary beads as an accessory pretty ridiculous.  I’m not overly religious or easily offended so it’s nothing like that.  But I’d like to think that when Jesus was hanging up there dying on the cross he found little comfort in the fact that his torture and execution would one day be remembered through a shitty fashion trend sported by steroid infused guides.  But, meatheads aside,  you have to admit the crucifixion was a pretty brutal event to commemorate.  At least Jesus knew what he was in for, though.  And it’s not like he went out alone, he had company up there.  Just a couple of random thieves sentenced to die in the most painful way imaginable, no big deal.  Imagine how those guys felt? 

Like they were just hanging around, chilling next to Jesus. Then one of them realizes who Jesus is and he's like, “Hey, can't you get us down from here!?’ and Jesus was all ‘no, it’s cool.  This is what’s supposed to happen.  We’re supposed to die like this so I can redeem the sins of the world and open the gates of Heaven.’  Then the other guy is like...

“What the shit has that got to do with us dangling from these crosses!?”

“Relax, my son for this night you will dine in the house of the Lord!”

“How about tonight I dine in my own house.  You think you can make that happen, freak show?”

“Well, I could but I’m not going to.  I know it’s hard to understand but our execution will be celebrated throughout eternity.  Every man, woman and child that walks the Earth from this day forward will remember and honor the supreme sacrifice we are making.”

“Listen, man.  I couldn’t give a crap if the entire community forgot I was up here right now!  You can make that happen!  Hell, you could turn everyone down there into fluffy bunnies if you felt like it!  If you want to go out like a sacrificial lamb that’s your choice but nobody is going to care if I happen to disappear!”

“Perhaps, but my Father has called us home and it is home we must go.”

“Fuck you, man!  Seriously, of all the people to get stuck next to during an execution you would think a guy with magic powers would be pretty accommodating in side stepping the whole death part of dying!  But, nooooo!  Not you!  The guy that walks around talking to the sky and curing leprosy doesn’t feel like performing one last trick before the curtain drops! What a dick!”

“You may insult me however you wish but know that I forgive you.”

“Man, you’re lucky my hands are nailed to this cross or I’d pound the shit out of you.”

“You would have no force over me unless it was given to you from above.  In fact…”

“UUUGGGHHH!!!  I CAN'T TAKE THIS GUY!!!  Hey…. Roman soldier!  Yeah, you.  How much to stab this guy with your spear?  Twenty silver coins?  No, I don’t have twenty silver coins.  Would you do it for ten?  You will?  Prove it!”

The soldier stabs Jesus

“Father!  Why have you forsaken me!!!  It is not my will but yours!!!  I will not bow to temptation!  I will remain strong…”

“OH, WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!  ALL YOU DO IS TALK, TALK, TALK!  I’M SICK OF IT!!!  JUST DIE ALREADY!  Hey, Roman soldier!  It didn’t work!  He’s still alive!  What?  You don’t care?  Well you fucking should!  Why?  All your buddies just saw you stab this guy and he’s still alive.  You’re going to look like a pussy!  What should you do!?  I don’t know, if I were you I’d grab that sledge hammer over there and crack him across his knees.  Ya know, so it looks like you were just trying to torture him.”

The soldier grabs the sledgehammer and cracks Jesus across the knees.  Jesus screams in pain.

“Seriously, dude?  Man, you're really milking this, huh?  If there’s a God He'll put us both out of our misery!”

At that moment Jesus dies.

“Finally!  What the hell took so long!?  Man, that guy just wouldn’t quit.  You know what?  This isn’t so bad!  I mean, the death thing sucks and all but at least I don’t have to listen to that asshole bitch and moan anymore.  We get it, you know?  You were here, did some magic, freaked some people out and now you’re dead.  Big whoop.  Ahh.  Peace and quiet.”

Just then the voice of Jesus whispers in his mind.

“My son, it is me, Jesus.”

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!!!”