She's A Keeper!

The other day I was getting changed at the gym when I overheard two guys talking about a new relationship one of them had just begun.  When asked how things were going the one guy replies, "Good, man.  She's a cool chick.  Ya know, the kind you can fart in front of and she won't freak out."  And that was it!  The other guy just accepted this as the most normal response in the world and left it at that.

At first I found myself nodding with agreement and thinking "hey, that guy's pretty lucky."  But then I began to think how strange that interaction was and how a chick might interpret that statement.  Girls don't grade their men on a "flatulence to freak-out ratio."  Which got me thinking, what if they did?  It'd probably sound something like this…

"Hey Julie, how's that new guy you just started dating?"

"Oh, he's great.  Really great."

"That's so nice!  I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks.  Yeah, I know how lucky I am.  He's such a keeper, ya know?  Like, the kind of guy you can queef in front of and he's not going to puke or anything."

"That's amazing.  I actually dated a guy like that in college.  He never puked when I'd queef.  He'd just shove my head under the covers and yell Dutch Oven! as loud as he could…. and then he'd go down on me."

"Dutch Oven?  What in the world is that!?"

"Oh, it's just this silly game that boys will play when they fart in bed.  He would do the same thing when he'd fart.  We would be in mid conversation when he would let one rip, yell and then shove my head under the covers where I would be trapped with his gas."

"That's disgusting!  I don't think my Jake would ever do something like that!  In fact, the other day I heard him break wind in the bathroom after we had sex.  I called out and asked if he had just farted but he said it must have been a squeaky floor board!  Do you believe that?  He knows the bathroom is tiled!  He's such a gentlemen."

"That's so sweet!  He sounds like a really good guy.  Does he have any friends you can hook me up with?"

"I don't know.  Since we started dating I haven't let him see any of his friends."

"Smart.  Keep the leash short and the dog won't stray."

"He's not a dog!  He's my little puppy!"

Snotty giggling ensues.

"Julie, you're so bad.  Hey, are you hungry?"

"Kind of.  Why?  Are you?"

"Yeah, I've been craving Taco Bell all day."

"Tacos, huh?  That does sound good.  Plus I haven't pooped in days!  Ugh, I'm so backed up.  Maybe that will help."

"It's a sure fire way to wake up the Dookie Goblin."

"Thank God for that!  All I've been able to do for the past four days is queef!"


…well, maybe something like that.