You Don't Say That!

I had to take a break from wearing a head set while on-line gaming.  There were just too many twelve-year old punks shit talking me the entire time.  It’s really frustrating to have a little kid shit talk you as an adult and you can do next to nothing to physically intimidate them.  You can’t yell back because they’ll win that game every time. Those little bastards are all hopped up on sugar and caffeine.  Yelling is like Viagra to their stupidity.  Plus they can reach decibels that have been out of my range for twenty plus years.  You amplify that over a high definition sound system and you’d better put away all the sharp objects in the apartment because somebody’s gonna get cut. 

But the irritation wasn’t the worst part.  The worst part was that I didn’t yell back.  I tried.  It didn’t work.  And that pissed me off.  So I took a different approach.  I got factual.  A kid would start squeaking over the mic and I would respond with something like, “hey buddy, did you know that your parents have a 61% chance of getting divorced before you graduate high school?  Yeah, it’s true.  In fact, daddy is probably having sex with his secretary at work right now.  He’s never really home is he?  And mommy cries a lot too, doesn’t she?  That must be tough, huh buddy?  Well, don’t worry.  They usually only blame the divorce on the child for about fifteen years or so until they realize that they were never really meant to be together in the first place and you were just the catalyst that helped expedite that reality.  You might think I’m an asshole for telling you all of this but it will really be relevant when you are in your twenties and your therapist asks why you find comfort in cocaine and alcohol.  Oh, by the way, great kill.  You’re really good at Halo.”