Something In Your Eye?

You know who I really hate?  People who can wink and look cool.  I can’t do that!  It’s not my fault really it’s just the way I look but if I wink at someone it’s not cute or romantic or endearing.  It looks like I’m saying “you’re next.”  That’s why I can’t signal a chick from across the bar and wink.  She’d be on her phone in two seconds.  “Help!  This guy just told me I’m going to die!”

Guys that can wink at a girl have it made!  “Hey, how’s it going?” the winks says.  Mine says, “Hey, I like the scent of your bones.”  Or, “They’ll never find the body.”  Not an attractive quality, I assure you. 

Winking is not even my biggest problem either.  It has more to do with being nine feet tall and possessing a default expression valued only in certain mafia hit squads.  Not my fault, right?  Tell that to the girl I’m trying to flirt with who thinks she’s going to end up on the back of a milk carton. 

Does that even happen anymore?  Pictures on the backs of milk cartons of reported missing persons?  What a shitty way to spend your morning breakfast.  It’s bad enough you are about to head off to work.  Lets make your day even worse by staring at the face of some kid who is almost assuredly dead.  “Have you seen me?”  Nope.  And I doubt you look like that now anyway.  Well, off to work.  Man, I hate my job.  Well, I guess it could be worse.  I could have gone home with that goon that tried to wink at me at the bar the other night. 

And that’s why I watch porn.