Things You Never Want to Hear Your Grandmother Say

1. I bet you’re a good kisser.

2. Your grandfather had soft hands too.

3. Twenty years later and I finally find my dildo.

4. I gave up on underwear years ago.

5. Trimming, too.

6. Have I ever told you the story of how I lost my virginity?

7. At this point my gums are nothing more then silly putty.

8. I never expected hair to grow there!

9. If it smells like it died chances are it’s me.

10. Sometimes I need help wiping.

11. You’d be surprised at the different colors the veins in your legs can turn.

12. Porn?  We used to just go horseback riding.

13. I know the cat died, I just don’t know where she’s hiding.

14. Come help Grammy shave down her callouses.

15. One day you’ll have a neck hump, too.

16. Granny can’t afford a mammogram.  Come check me for lumps!

17. Oh that?  That’s my bag of toenail clippings.

18. Role Playing Games?  Is that foreplay?

19. I think I need to go shopping for caskets.

20. At my age burps and farts pretty much smell the same.

EXTREME!!!

        "Are you a new parent?  Are you just now realizing that you’re terrible at it?  Terrified of dropping that little bundle of joy on his head by accident?  Has the thought, 'man I need to get this kid a helmet,' ever crossed your mind?  Well put those worries in “time out” with the all-new Baby Bungee.  That’s right, folks!  The all-new Baby Bungee will ensure that your careless lack of attention toward the well being of your tiny infant offspring will go totally unpunished!"

        “Hey, what is a Baby Bungee?”

       “Well sir, I’m glad you asked!  The all new Baby Bungee was originally discovered when a group of German scientists went on safari into the jungles of the Congo and discovered that the locals would tie a leash-like apparatus made from vines to their children’s feet to ensure they wouldn’t get lost or snatched up by any wild animals.”

        “Geez, that sounds extreme.”

        “It was.  They live in the Congo.  But when those same German scientists got home one of them was so happy to see his wife and newborn son at the airport that he almost knocked the baby clean out of his wife’s arms.  And do you know what would have happened if she didn’t catch the little guy on the way down?”

        “Splat?”

        “Splat is right!  One baby brain omelet coming up!  Well, it was at that point that he realized that the tribesman in the Congo maybe weren’t so crazy.  And that’s when he got the idea for the Baby Bungee.”

        “Wow!  So what does it do?”

        “It’s more like what doesn’t it do!  The all-new Baby Bungee is a device that secures your little guy to your chest with a few handy straps and an elastic cord, or bungee.  This way if you do drop your baby by accident he’s just going to fall a few feet before the bungee snaps him right back into your arms!  Easey-peezey!”

        “Hey, cool word!”

        “Isn’t it?  And do you know what else is cool?  Child safety.  And nothing says cool and safe like the all-new Baby Bungee!  Now… let me ask you a question.  Have you ever been forced to hold a baby while you were trying to light a cigarette?”

        “Boy, have I!”

        “Didn’t you just hate how close the baby’s head came to getting lit on fire?”

        “Boy did I!”

        “Well, with the all-new Baby Bungee you can light your cigarette and insure your baby’s head remains burn-free!”

        “Tell me more!”

        “It’s easy!  With the all-new Baby Bungee you can drop your little guy into free fall, light up your ciggy, and relax as the magic of elasticity saves your child from a future of thumb wrestling his imaginary friends in the loony bin.”

        “Man, I wish my parents had one of those when I was a kid.”

        “I bet you do!  And I bet your hat size would probably be a little different too, huh?”

        “I wore a helmet until I was twelve.”

        “And it shows!  Ahhh, technology!  What would we do without it?”

        “Socialize in person?”

        “Hahahaha, don’t be silly!  We’re not Mormons!”   

Something In Your Eye?

You know who I really hate?  People who can wink and look cool.  I can’t do that!  It’s not my fault really it’s just the way I look but if I wink at someone it’s not cute or romantic or endearing.  It looks like I’m saying “you’re next.”  That’s why I can’t signal a chick from across the bar and wink.  She’d be on her phone in two seconds.  “Help!  This guy just told me I’m going to die!”

Guys that can wink at a girl have it made!  “Hey, how’s it going?” the winks says.  Mine says, “Hey, I like the scent of your bones.”  Or, “They’ll never find the body.”  Not an attractive quality, I assure you. 

Winking is not even my biggest problem either.  It has more to do with being nine feet tall and possessing a default expression valued only in certain mafia hit squads.  Not my fault, right?  Tell that to the girl I’m trying to flirt with who thinks she’s going to end up on the back of a milk carton. 

Does that even happen anymore?  Pictures on the backs of milk cartons of reported missing persons?  What a shitty way to spend your morning breakfast.  It’s bad enough you are about to head off to work.  Lets make your day even worse by staring at the face of some kid who is almost assuredly dead.  “Have you seen me?”  Nope.  And I doubt you look like that now anyway.  Well, off to work.  Man, I hate my job.  Well, I guess it could be worse.  I could have gone home with that goon that tried to wink at me at the bar the other night. 

And that’s why I watch porn. 

Fall Down, Go Boom

         Why is it ok to laugh at just about anybody else when they trip and fall except for old people?  If anything it’s funnier when they fall down.  Ever watch an old person trip and fall?  It happens in slow motion.  I don’t know how they do it but it’s true.  They fall in slow motion.  It’s like some kind of elderly acquired super power. 

         An old person will trip, realize she is about to fall, slightly react, look around for help, wave an arm for balance, look back down at the ground, look back up for help, wave the other arm for balance, mumble something only other old people can translate, look back down to make sure she is still falling, remember that she has to mail out that five dollar check to her grandson for his birthday, wonder if she will live long enough to mail out that five dollar check to her grandson for his birthday, have a flash back to her wedding day, smile, come back to reality, realize she is still falling, frown, soil herself, feel guilty about that, contemplate her obituary, wonder why she never wrote one for herself, sneer at the guy that is walking right past her ignoring her dilemma, wonder what happened to this generation of kids, think about her grandson again and what kind of man he will become, smile again, wonder if “drugs” are still a problem, look back down, realize she is still falling, wonder why it is taking so long, start to feel like impact should have happened minutes ago, forget what she was thinking about, remembers, oh yeah, falling, that’s right, then, finally, impact… and grandma breaks another hip.

         

...If you’re feeling bad for laughing, don’t.  This particular grandma doesn’t exist.  She died.