Crapped Out

     Ever been so broke you start doing toilet paper math?  Like, you’re mid way through your last roll and you start to calculate, “I got four, maybe five dumps left on that thing before it’s crisis time.”  And that’s only if things go well.  God forbid something disagrees with you and a surprise six or seventh deuce springs up.  Then you’re down to tearing little piece of cardboard off the roll and blotting your butthole like and old lady checking her lipstick.  And if that doesn’t work then there’s always the Shame Shower.  Usually that’s only necessary after an “oopsie-poopsie,” but exceptions do happen. 

     What’s a Shame Shower, you may be wondering?  Well, that’s when your shower doubles as a bidet because you just can’t bare to smear that colon fudge across your butt cheeks any longer.  You end up standing in your shower like a convict getting deloused.  Very unpleasant, but sure beats the alternative. 

     You may be wondering, “Hey, Pat… why do you know so much about Shame Showers and oopsie-poopsies?”  Well, faithful reader, the Internet is a strange place.  Clearly.  You’re here reading this.  And let’s be honest… there’s not a person alive who hasn’t accidentally left an early deposit in the old banko de underpants.  Why else would the saying, “shit happens,” exist?  It’s like murder; the key is to do it with as few witnesses as possible.  And much like murder, it’s a terrible way to end up on the Internet.  Nothing ruins a future like YouTube footage of a grown man shitting his pants.  Unless he’s an Asian.  For some reason they seem to be into that sort of thing.       

       But rest assured toilet paper math is never a fun equation but it definitely beats tampon math.  To quote the British, “That’s just bloody awful.”