Feet Stink

     What’s the deal with people and foot fetishes?  It’s gross.  Feet look like God’s first attempt at hands.  He slapped a few together, didn’t like them, and threw them on your ankles.  Back to the drawing board.  I look at toes and I think of midget fingers.  Then I think of midget toes and I puke a little on my shoes.  These are not attractive body parts, people. 

     Ever hear someone say they have nice feet?  That’s like saying you took an adorable shit.  There’s no such thing as nice feet.  There are only variations of the same mangled monstrosity.  And consider what feet do every day.  People stomp around on these things banging them up like old Chevy pickups but as soon as the sun warms up they want to slap on some paint and show them off.  Yuck!  Put those sweaty dogs back in the kennel where they belong. 

     Feet smell, too.  You know what else smells?  Your armpits.  Ever feel the urge to show those little gems off?  Braid out the hair and go full Vegan?  A sweaty foot is like greased pigs ass.  I don’t even know what that means, but it feels appropriate. 

     I can’t believe there’s weirdo’s out there that want to put these boney, sweat pegs in their mouths.  Their mother’s must have been terrible cooks.  You know what I’d like to see?  A guy with a foot fetish debating cuisine with a chef from Taco Bell.  “Hey, this taco tastes funny.”  “That’s because there’s a hangnail in your tooth.” 

     Cover them up, people.  Feet are gross.  Especially mine- mine look like I got bit by a werewolf and there’s a full moon on the horizon.  Let’s all agree to use feet for what they were intended for, shall we?  … Kicking strangers in the nuts and running away.  Everybody wins… until you get kicked in the nuts, that is.