Ever been so broke you start doing toilet
paper math? Like, you’re mid way through
your last roll and you start to calculate, “I got four, maybe five dumps left
on that thing before it’s crisis time.”
And that’s only if things go well.
God forbid something disagrees with you and a surprise six or seventh
deuce springs up. Then you’re down to
tearing little piece of cardboard off the roll and blotting your butthole like
and old lady checking her lipstick. And
if that doesn’t work then there’s always the Shame Shower. Usually that’s only necessary after an
“oopsie-poopsie,” but exceptions do happen.
What’s a Shame Shower, you may be
wondering? Well, that’s when your shower
doubles as a bidet because you just can’t bare to smear that colon fudge across
your butt cheeks any longer. You end up
standing in your shower like a convict getting deloused. Very unpleasant, but sure beats the
alternative.
You may be wondering, “Hey, Pat… why do you
know so much about Shame Showers and oopsie-poopsies?” Well, faithful reader, the Internet is a
strange place. Clearly. You’re here reading this. And let’s be honest… there’s not a person
alive who hasn’t accidentally left an early deposit in the old banko de
underpants. Why else would the saying,
“shit happens,” exist? It’s like murder;
the key is to do it with as few witnesses as possible. And much like murder, it’s a terrible way to
end up on the Internet. Nothing ruins a
future like YouTube footage of a grown man shitting his pants. Unless he’s an Asian. For some reason they seem to be into that
sort of thing.
But
rest assured toilet paper math is never a fun equation but it definitely beats
tampon math. To quote the British,
“That’s just bloody awful.”
