Bacon Pardon?

         I am a firm believer that bacon can solve all of the world’s problems.  Don’t believe me?  Think about it.  Literally every situation can be vastly improved with bacon.  Lost your job?  No, you’ve gained more time to eat bacon.  Girlfriend broke up with you?  Twice the bacon for you, sir!  You’re hosting a pro-life rally outside of an abortion clinic and it’s going horribly wrong?  Wrap those little mistakes in bacon.  Dead as they may be, now they are also delicious!  Even AIDS is better with bacon.  Sound funny?  Try taking a stack of bacon away from a guy with AIDS.  Now he just has AIDS.  Nice job, asshole. 

         There is a reason why Muslims are so angry all of the time.  No bacon.  They can’t do it.  It’s a well-known fact that Allah hates bacon.  When he grew up his family was too poor and couldn’t afford it.  So he put out a Jihad on bacon.  The result?  The Middle East has gone bat shit crazy.  Want peace in the Middle East?  Stop sending troops and start sending bacon.  It’s a proven fact a guy with a fist full of bacon won’t fight.  Slap him, kick him, punch him, it doesn’t matter.  He’s got all he needs; sweet, sweet, bacon. 

         You’re probably thinking that an all bacon diet sounds like a horrible idea.  Well I bet people said the same thing about landing on the moon and that seemed to work out just fine.  Don’t be such a communist. 

         Oh and how about our national debt?  Just a measly 17 trillion… pounds of bacon.  Doesn’t that sound better then money?  Wouldn’t it be way more fun to shove bacon in to a stripper’s G-string instead of singles?  Imagine cracking open your piggy bank and bacon poured out!?  Is this real life?  I’ll take two!  Ah, bacon.  Is there anything you can’t fix?