I'm Re-gifting This

            Two Turtle Doves?  That’s what I get for the second day of Christmas?  Thanks but you can keep them.  And why doves?  What’s the big deal with doves?  They’re not exactly the kings of the bird community.  Really they’re just bleached pigeons.  And nobody gives a crap about pigeons.  Well, maybe Mike Tyson gives a crap about pigeons but he drinks out of a sippy cup and needs his diaper changed twice a day.  Not exactly a role model. 

            Why doves?  They’re even in the bible. I’m not sure who the doves hired to handle their marketing campaign but team sea gull could take a few notes from their progress.  Nobody’s getting a sea gull on any day of Christmas.  Just doves.  And twelve days?  Really?  Chanukah can’t even compete with that.  Hell, the chosen people gave up after a solid eight.  And I doubt if there’s a Turtle Dove in any of their festive songs.

            Now that I think about it… there are a whole lot of birds gifted during The Twelve Days of Christmas.  You got swans, doves, geese, hens, a calling bird (whatever the hell that is), a partridge and a pear tree.  And they’re not even the weirdest of the gifts.  Do I really need nine ladies dancing?  Are they clothed?  Should I tip?  And what’s with the maids-a-milking?  There better be a cow somewhere in the mix.  I’d sure hate to think they’re milking each other.  That’s not merry. 

            Then we have the drummers and the pipers.  I didn’t ask for a marching band.  That’s a lot of noise for a Christmas gift.  And I think one of the birds pooped on the sofa.  I can’t tell if it’s geese, dove, hen, or whatever but it stinks.  I’d ask one of the maids to clean it up but they’re all covered in milk.  The strippers haven’t taken a break yet and I’m fresh out of singles.  And I think one of them is a thief because I’m down to three golden rings.  I’m pretty sure there were five when we started.  Although it could have been on of the lords-a-leaping folk.  Those guys are a little flighty if you ask me.  No man should ever wear that much spandex.  Can someone please water the pear tree?  By the way I’m returning the calling birds.  Or setting them free.  Either way it was a shitty gift.  Next year you’re getting a list. 

            What time are your parents arriving?  Huh?  I can’t hear you!  I said I can’t hear you!  Hold on a sec.  Hey!  Drummers!  Pipers!  Give it a rest, will ya?  Yeah, you too strippers.  Give the maids a hand cleaning up all that milk.  And maids, what the hell?  I said we could use a gallon at the most.  It looks like fetish porn in here.  There’s milk everywhere.  Ah crap, the leaping guys are slapping each other.  Guys…  c’mon, stop that!  And, wait a sec.. HEY, WHERE’D THE OTHER THREE RINGS GO!  Alright, that’s it!  That’s enough!  Everybody out!

            …what a strange song.