Ho, Ho, Help!

            Ah, Christmas time!  Decorations on houses, presents under the tree, egg nog, family parties, Christmas carols, fruit cakes and pedophiles.  Wait, what? 

            Yup!  Pedophiles!  What do they have to do with Christmas, you say?  Plenty.  And it’s all thanks to you!  There are not a whole lot of annual opportunities for the sick and twisted to venture out in to the world and take a crack at your little darlings; except Christmas time.  That’s right!  That cute little holiday card you can’t wait to have printed up of Johnny Jr. sitting on mall Santa’s lap?  Well, there’s a reason why Johnny is crying. 

            I’ve never understood how parents could be so protective of their children for the other 364 days of the year but give them an opportunity to have their baby sit on the lap of a total stranger dressed as a mythical character and they’re all for it.  No introductions required.  Just, here you go…

“Sit on the nice man’s lap.  Smile.  I said smile.  No, not cry, smile!  God damn it, Johnny we stood on line for an hour to take this picture!  You are going to smile for mall Santa!!!”

            But Johnny can’t smile because mall Santa smells like bourbon.  And cigarettes.  And for some reason has placed his hand on Johnny’s inner thigh.  Right about now the only thing Johnny wants for Christmas is for a social worker to intervene. 

            I realize the same opportunity presents itself around Easter time but the conditions are a little different.  Think about it.  Anyone can play the mall Easter Bunny.  The person’s head is covered and they’re not allowed to talk.  In fact, I’m convinced that job is specifically reserved for the handicapped.  But not mall Santa.  That job is solely for middle aged to elderly men… that don’t mind wearing a disguise… and having little kids sit on their laps.  Creepy.

             

I'm Re-gifting This

            Two Turtle Doves?  That’s what I get for the second day of Christmas?  Thanks but you can keep them.  And why doves?  What’s the big deal with doves?  They’re not exactly the kings of the bird community.  Really they’re just bleached pigeons.  And nobody gives a crap about pigeons.  Well, maybe Mike Tyson gives a crap about pigeons but he drinks out of a sippy cup and needs his diaper changed twice a day.  Not exactly a role model. 

            Why doves?  They’re even in the bible. I’m not sure who the doves hired to handle their marketing campaign but team sea gull could take a few notes from their progress.  Nobody’s getting a sea gull on any day of Christmas.  Just doves.  And twelve days?  Really?  Chanukah can’t even compete with that.  Hell, the chosen people gave up after a solid eight.  And I doubt if there’s a Turtle Dove in any of their festive songs.

            Now that I think about it… there are a whole lot of birds gifted during The Twelve Days of Christmas.  You got swans, doves, geese, hens, a calling bird (whatever the hell that is), a partridge and a pear tree.  And they’re not even the weirdest of the gifts.  Do I really need nine ladies dancing?  Are they clothed?  Should I tip?  And what’s with the maids-a-milking?  There better be a cow somewhere in the mix.  I’d sure hate to think they’re milking each other.  That’s not merry. 

            Then we have the drummers and the pipers.  I didn’t ask for a marching band.  That’s a lot of noise for a Christmas gift.  And I think one of the birds pooped on the sofa.  I can’t tell if it’s geese, dove, hen, or whatever but it stinks.  I’d ask one of the maids to clean it up but they’re all covered in milk.  The strippers haven’t taken a break yet and I’m fresh out of singles.  And I think one of them is a thief because I’m down to three golden rings.  I’m pretty sure there were five when we started.  Although it could have been on of the lords-a-leaping folk.  Those guys are a little flighty if you ask me.  No man should ever wear that much spandex.  Can someone please water the pear tree?  By the way I’m returning the calling birds.  Or setting them free.  Either way it was a shitty gift.  Next year you’re getting a list. 

            What time are your parents arriving?  Huh?  I can’t hear you!  I said I can’t hear you!  Hold on a sec.  Hey!  Drummers!  Pipers!  Give it a rest, will ya?  Yeah, you too strippers.  Give the maids a hand cleaning up all that milk.  And maids, what the hell?  I said we could use a gallon at the most.  It looks like fetish porn in here.  There’s milk everywhere.  Ah crap, the leaping guys are slapping each other.  Guys…  c’mon, stop that!  And, wait a sec.. HEY, WHERE’D THE OTHER THREE RINGS GO!  Alright, that’s it!  That’s enough!  Everybody out!

            …what a strange song.      

Tis The Season!

            It’s December and Christmas is just a few weeks out.  Which means, what?  Christmas music!  Christmas music is great.  It’s fun, it brings back memories of childhood and it makes us feel good.  But not every Christmas song is as pleasant as you remember.  Take for instance, We Wish You a Merry Christmas.  The song starts out nice enough…

We wish you a merry Christmas!

“Hey, that’s really nice.  Thanks.  Same to you.”

We wish you a merry Christmas!

“You just said that, but ok.  Back at ya.”

We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

“Ok, yeah.  You too.  Thanks.”

Now bring us some Figgie Pudding!

“Wait, what?”

Now bring us some Figgie Pudding!

“I don’t have any Figgie Pudding.”

Now bring us some Figgie Pudding and a cup of good cheer!

“Ok, I have a tiny bit of Figgie Pudding but I’m saving it for my little cripple boy.  And a cup of good cheer?  Is that booze?”

We won’t go until we get some!

“Is that right?”

We won’t go until we get some!

“I beg to do differ.”

We won’t go until we get some so bring some out here!

“Well, now you’re just being rude.” 

We wish you a merry Christmas!

“Oh, we’re back here again?”

We wish you a merry Christmas!

“Yeah.  I got it.”

We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

“I’m calling the cops.”

Now bring us some Figgie Pudding!

“Did you hear me?”

Now bring us some Figgie Pudding!

“I said I’m calling the cops.”

Now bring us some Figgie Pudding and a cup of good cheer!

“I think you’ve already had enough.”

We won’t go until we get some!

“Hello, operator? “ 

…Merry Christmas everybody!