Q And A With God

     For the first time in the history of creation God has decided to grant humanity an exclusive interview in regards to the pillow talk of existence . In keeping with that concept what you are about to read has never been heard before and directly reflects the imaginary, divine disposition of the Almighty. Enjoy.

Pat: Do midgets have kneecaps?

God: Yes, but they’re even less effective than their ankles. I was,after all, working mostly with spare parts. Adorable little things, though. Kind of like punctuation marks to the statement of civilization.

Pat: I see. So they’re just the leftovers from creation?

God: Waste not, want not. That’s what I always say. Well, that and God Bless You.

Pat: Like for when someone sneezes,right?

God: No, no, not exactly. Burps and farts also qualify. But, really you can say it for any occasion. I like to throw it out there as a salutation sometimes.

Pat: I get it. It’s a pretty versatile statement. You can use it basically whenever you feel it’s relevant.

God: Precisely. You can say it whenever you want. Well, except after a man ejaculates. That’s not exactly an appropriate time.

Pat: So you’re not a fan of the Roman Baptism?

God: Is that what that’s called? Jesus.

Pat: I know, right? Kids and their slang these days. Kind of makes you wonder where they come up with this stuff. Do you ever regret granting humanity free will?

God: For centuries it was never that big of a deal. You would have your regular rapes and murders, run of the mill misogyny, wars, etc. Nothing of any great concern. But then the damn Internet came about and all hell broke loose.

Pat: So rape and murder weren’t that big of a deal but the Internet is what made you regret granting humanity free will?

God: Have you ever witnessed a Mexican donkey show?

Pat: Point taken. So back to anatomy. Why do feet look so weird?

God: To be honest they were my first attempt at hands. I wasn’t crazy about the way they came out so I slapped them on your ankles and started over.

Pat: Is that right?

God: Sadly, yes. Don’t even get me started on the way your buttholes originally looked.

Pat: The Play-Doh Fun Factory comes to mind.

God: You’re not far off.

Pat: So are there any other regrettable body parts you came up with?

God: Not at all. Mankind was designed after my own likeness. Although, I’m not a huge fan of that stretchy portion of skin behind the elbow. The wenis, I believe you call it? It’s like a partial scrotum on your arm. Rather unfortunate but necessary.

Pat: I know what you mean. Mine stretches out like Walter Matthau’s jowls. How is he, by the way?

God: Oh, he’s well. He keeps us regularly entertained. He and that Jack Lemmon are always at it. But, really I shouldn’t be discussing that sort of thing without a Ouija board present.

Pat: Rules are rules, I suppose. So are we the only source of life you created in the universe or are there others like us?

God: Well, I could answer that question but then I’d have to kill you.

Pat: Fair enough. I have to admit you did a great job creating dogs. They’re pretty awesome.

God: I had to balance out the existence of cats.

Pat: Would you say you’re not a cat person?

God: I love all of my creations equally but lets just say if a cat is crossing the highway I don’t exactly nudge the truck out of its path.

Pat: Good to know. So have you ever intervened in the way things have played out down here on Earth?

God: That would sort of undermine the concept of free will. Although that being said I may have slipped a few prayer Percocets into Jesus before he got crucified.

Pat: Seems only fair. He’s supposed to be making another appearance sometime in the future, right?

God: He is, eventually. But trying to get kids to do anything these days is damn near impossible. Most times I’m just happy if his room is clean.

Pat: So Jesus has his own room in heaven?

God: He does, although if you asked him you’d think he runs the entire joint. But he’s my kid, so I have to love him. Well,that and the fact that I’m God.

Pat: It sounds like you two have a pretty good relationship. Is it hard being a single dad while monitoring all of creation?

God: That’s the beauty of omnipotence. It’s kind of like having a baby monitor in the next room except that room is everywhere and that baby is everyone.

Pat: Interesting. Do you two ever do any father and son type stuff like have a catch?

God: We tried that once but Jesus wouldn’t stop turning the ball into a dove and it kept flying away. He found it hilarious. I was not as impressed.

Pat: I can see why. Well, that pretty much wraps up all of my questions for you, God. Is there anything you want to say before we end the interview?

God: Yes. It isn’t healthy the way you masturbate.

Pat: Like, the style or the frequency?

God: Both.

Pat: Damn it.

God: That’s what I’m saying.

The Red White and Booo

On the eve of the election we all sit by and watch

As the future of our country soon heads toward it’s crotch.

Two candidates we have with much scandal galore,

And most women still think that Donald Trump panders whores.

But Hillary is no stranger to the tide of the swill

For she will not stray from demanding a kill.

Yet neither is worth the vote we must cast,

And most would be better off licking their ass.

But here our nation stands with two choices before,

While our country does hang in the balance of yore.

The good days of olde now no longer apply

Because every four years there’s another new guy

One that decides what must stay and what goes,

And what gets included in this current freak show.

The more these things change the more they remain,

So here the populous sits mad scratching its brains.

It’s not just the vote that we need to abide

But the fact that we all have been getting the snide.

Two candidates to choose and still neither apply,

Though both have arrived on a parade full of lies.

Perhaps it’s not them but the system that hurts,

We accept empty promises while our integrity bursts.

What choice do we have?  Please, where can we go?

The less options there are… well the less we all know.

But that’s the way it is meant.  That’s just how it should be!

If we cannot account for our own dignity.

And so here we must sit, watching polls do their dance,

Praying to God that the system will soon necromance.

For too long the deceased have been sounding their voice

To serve a purpose that surpasses their choice.

The system is fixed, old souls have no say!

Still nothing has changed til this very day.

With each new election there presents a new face,

Causing us voters to stress, fret and pace.

When will it end, and how must it go?

Perhaps we all need to stop watching this show.

Like bad television the subscribers all command

What the network accepts as supply and demand.

Well, I guess we’re no worse if you check the T.V.’s

Because their relevance is based on the you’s and the me’s.

Tomorrow it changes or perhaps it does not,

For if our voice mattered there’d be legal pot.

But that’s just a glance at the way things should be

If we honestly had power there’d be a “you n me”.

Though sadly there isn’t, there’s just what’s been sold

And that’s what we’re left with until we’re all old.

So sit back and laugh as this election unfolds

Because nothing is left for us dependents of gold.

Ass Wipes

     Why do certain people believe there is a right and wrong way to hang toilet paper?  How did this become a thing?  Right or wrong way?  Did the paper serve your intended purpose?  Then I’d say it worked.  If I feel like my colon is about to unleash hell the last thing I’m worried about is what direction the toilet paper is facing. 

     The real concern should be is there enough?  Will I be able to walk away from the poop with my pride still intact? 

     Running out.  That’s the real problem.  I think very few people would find consolation in having to throw away a perfectly good pair of socks because the toilet paper, although facing the “proper” direction, ran out. 

     And why do people feel the need to put the roll back on the dispenser if it’s off?  Maybe I wanted the toilet paper to stay on the sink.  Maybe I wipe like a mad man and need plenty of space and range. 

     Don’t put the roll back on the dispenser if it’s off.  You wouldn’t take those kinds of liberties with other items in the bathroom.  You wouldn’t rearrange the medicine cabinet because the Percocets weren’t next to the Valume. 

     Leave it alone.  It’s a product whose sole purpose is to wipe shit from your ass.  There is no wrong way to store it.  Unless it’s in the toilet.  In that case you’re shit out of luck.