He Takes After You

         Why is it cute when a baby farts and offensive when an adult rips one off?  How does that happen? And more importantly, at what point does it stop being ok?  Is there an age limit?  Is it based on physical development?  Do environmental factors play a role?  I’ll tell you what has nothing to do with it- the smell.  It’s not like when a baby farts it smells like rainbow sherbert.  My brother has kids and I’ve smelled what they're capable of.  I’m amazed the paint hasn’t peeled from their walls yet.  But every time one of them squeaks out a little terd whisper everybody with in earshot giggles like it’s the greatest joke ever written.  And the smell is like a consolation prize.  It could be as awful as rotten eggs or as simple as stale potato chips.  Doesn’t’ matter, these people are wafting like it’s a five star T-bone. 

         And there’s always some justification to follow like, “Well, that’s what string peas will do to you.”  Yeah.  String peas will make your butt stink.  So will tacos.  Nobody thinks it’s cute when you rip off a taco fart.  It kind of makes you wonder what else could you get away with if you were a baby.  What other horrible acts would society shrug off because you are still adorable?  Rape?  Oh, he was just trying to breast-feed.  Works for me.  Murder?  Well, he has a bit of temper when he gets hungry or tired.  Fair enough.  Pimping out prostitutes?  He’s not a bad child he’s just a misguided entrepreneur.  Does he accept play dough?

         Kids, enjoy it while you’re young.  Remember all of our parents telling us that when we were little?  We thought they meant youth for the sake of being young.  Nope.  They meant being able to fart without persecution.  The guiltless rumble of a colin cough.  The freedom that only a rectal belch will bring.  The relief of depressurizing the old dietary embalming chamber.  The joy of a pulled finger.  The satisfaction of looking someone in the eye, yelling “release the hounds!” fart, and then walk away. 

         That’s right kids.  Enjoy it while you’re young.  Because when you’re older you can’t fart during a business meeting and then look under the table claiming that someone has stepped on an elephant.  Your boss will not want to hear that there might be a squeaky floorboard or that that is the sound of the foundation settling.  And he certainly won’t believe that every time you fart a prisoner on death row is pardoned.  He just won’t buy it.  And don’t even think about the old “better out then in” philosophy.  I’m pretty sure the gays own that one now anyway.

         So live it up now ye toddlers of freedom.  Enjoy the “open road” of digestion while there’s still time.  Because years from now you will be sitting behind a desk in the midst of a cube farm counting back from 100 in an attempt not to rattle the floor boards with the pent up splatter art of digestion waiting to make your shorts it’s canvas.  You’re welcome.          

Match Maker

     Is it me or have online dating sites gotten a little too specific?  Christian Mingle, Just For Farmers, Black People Meet, JDate, GothScene?  Really?  Don’t these seem a little much?  Was there really a need for a farmers only dating site?  Has the Goth community suffered so many casualties that they now need to commiserate over the Internet?  Christian Mingle?  Sure, divine intervention though Wi-Fi!

     With all of the crazy sites that exist there’s still one culture being drastically over looked; the handicapped!  Aren’t they entitled to a little love?  Surely they need some help in finding that special someone.  In fact, that’s what you could call the site:  SomeoneSpecail.com.  And I’m not just talking about the mentally challenged.  That would be rude.  How about the mangled war vet?  Sure, he’s lost both legs but his libido is still able to salute.  And since that IED the Hokey-Pokey just aint the same.  How does he find love that doesn’t involve a Motel Six?

     Or what about the morbidly obese?  The kind that wheel themselves around in scooters because their joints have the stability of a third world government?  What about them?  They’ve been eating for two for a long time… but they’ve been doing it alone.  Not after SomeoneSpecial.com. 

     And let’s not forget about the vegetables.  The slack jawed Steven Hawkins of the world that can only communicate through smiley-faced emoticons and customized keyboards.  They probably wouldn’t be able to accomplish much in terms of intimacy but at least they’d have some company for a change.

     Can’t we do this?  Can’t we make this happen?  Place a few ads at the Special Olympics, maybe a Chucky Cheese or two?  Sample the market and see what pops up.  I can see it now…  SomeoneSpecial.com- Where your heart can stretch it legs even if your body can’t!