So
we beat Al Qaeda, or at the very least bombed them back to the dust age (they
were already in the stone age) and now Isis pops up. These guys make Osama’s team look like a
bunch of menstruating girl scouts. Every
other week somebody is getting their head cut off or locked in a cage and set
on fire. It’s a bit extreme even for the
extremists.
And how do we combat these atrocities? We blow these guys up! Think about that for a second. Our reaction to an entire culture of people
willing to die is to… blow them up.
That’s like sending twenty hookers and a Dominos pizza to their
doorstep. It’s written in their
propaganda that death is the goal. Doesn’t
really seem like we’re trying to dissuade these psychos from combat.
If we really wanted to end the war in the
Middle East you know what we should drop on them? Porn!
That’s right… porn! In a world
where every chick is dressed like a prehistoric ninja even a little ankle
cleavage would be appreciated.
You have an entire nation of men so
sexually frustrated that the mere hint of imaginary vagina and some air
conditioning has these guys strapping bombs to their chests and running blindly
towards the afterlife. You know who
never has the urge to kill himself? A
guy who’s getting laid on a regular basis. And
some of these would-be terrorists never even make it past the practice
fields. How many went “boom” in
rehearsal because it was just too damn hot outside? Or because the thought of an exposed butt
cheek made just a little bit more then C4 explode?
Let me paint a picture here for you: An
Afghan Chief goes to lowly rebel with a mission.
A.C.-
Ugh! It’s hot out! Is it hot out or is it the five layers of
black sheets I’m wearing?
R.-
No, It’s hot out. Well… No, it’s hot.
A.C.-
Like the devil’s asshole. Anyway, I got
a mission for ya.
R.-
Oh yeah?
A.C.-
Yeah. I need you to strap this bomb on
your chest and blow your head off while riding a moped into that school over
there.
R.-
What’s in it for me?
A.C.-
Well, you won’t smell like balls anymore, the afterlife has air conditioning
and there’ll be about twenty chicks that all want to bang you just hanging
out.
R.-
Done!
Now let’s take the same Afghan Chief and
rebel with porn in the mix.
A.C.-
….
R.-
….
You know why they’re not talking? Because they’re too busy jerking off.
Ever wonder why their goats always look so
spooked? Because there’s no porn. If there’s a hell you come back in your next
life as a goat in a terrorist controlled village of Afghanistan. There’s an old Afghani proverb that goes, “A
dead goat tells no tales but a live goat struggles just enough for a tip.” It’s true… look it up.
I tell ya’ the key to ending this war is
draining the anger from our enemies.
Well, the anger and the semen.
Nobody is going to be able to shoot an Ak47 if it’s covered in
jizz. Nobody.
