-A
New Jersey man was seen running down the street today with his crotch in
flames. Apparently it burns when he
pees.
-Fourteen
catholic nuns were rushed to the hospital this morning as each went into labor
simultaneously. In unrelated news the
Holy Spirit has checked back into rehab.
-Greek
women across the country have begun protesting the unfair treatment of the
homeless by refusing to shave their legs.
So far nobody has taken notice.
-A
Missouri woman has decided to sue a local McDonalds claiming she could not fit
into one of the restaurant’s booths.
After being laughed at by everyone present she then ordered the driver
of her forklift to slowly back up and drive away.
-The
president received a puppy today and so far the little guy hasn’t stop licking
his own ass. Mr. Obama was quoted as
saying “He’ll fit right in around here.”
-A
local charity has adopted the tag line that "They are bigger then Cancer,” in
an attempt to raise awareness for Cancer survivors. Cancer has responded with the statement “It’s
not the size that counts, it’s how you use me.”
-And
in other medical news there has been a recent development in the success of
conducting abortions. A doctor in
Montville has created a new version of The Morning After Pill made entirely of
Cyanide. It has been affectionately
named “Darwin’s Assistant.”
-A
poll was taken last week in Texas that proved that people who participate in
polls are, in fact, complete idiots.
-A
bus full of elderly Christians en route to hear the Rev. Billy Graham speak
flipped over on the New Jersey Turnpike this afternoon. Authorities have ruled the accident an act of
God.
-A support
group for amputees will meet tonight at the Bingo Hall in Long Branch on Second Ave. Volunteers are asked to attend, as some
members may need a hand.
